Interview with a DB

Last week’s Mustache Checkpoint at the Pipeline was a rousing success – for guys with mustaches.  We caught up with an unfortunate chap who just happened to show up at the Pipeline at the same time as about a hundred studly mustached men.  Because the guy was clearly rattled by his experience and his answers might not have been fully coherent, we’ll use some random semi-initials instead of his real name…  let’s call him DB. 

M4K: So, what brings you out to the Pipleline tonight?

DB: Well, we were hoping to drink some beer, maybe play some darts, and then try to pick up some girls.  But…

M4K: Did you realize that tonight at the Pipeline was Mustache Checkpoint?

DB: Dude, I had no idea.  I never would have come here if I’d known when I walked in there would be a hundred dudes with mustaches here.  It just makes me fell, I dunno… less of a man.

M4K: That’s totally understandable.  Not having a mustache actually does make you less of a man.  So, why did you stay?

DB: Well, we figured that no chick is going to be interested in a guy with a mustache, so we thought we’d be able to get any chick in here.  We thought we were so going to get hooked up because we were the only normal guys in here.

M4K: Did the night go as you expected?

DB: No.  Dude, can I go now?  I mean I’m feeling enough like a failure, why do I have to keep talking to you?

M4K: Look at my mustache.  It gives me authority, don’t you think?  When a guy with a mustache tells you to do something, you have no choice but to say “Yes, Sir!”  Now quit whining and answer my question.  Did the night go as you expected?

DB: Yes sir!  No, it went horrible.  When we first walked in there was this table full of cute girls, and we thought “Sweet.  There are already more hotties in here than usual.”  But then we noticed that they all had the same shirts on.  Turns out they were all M4K Groupie shirts.  Well, we walked up and asked if they wanted us to buy them some beer, and one of them actually said to me, “Unless you have a sexy cookie duster, get your ugly mug outta my face, Buster.”  Then the whole table laughed and pointed at our bare lips.  I was confused and embarrassed.

M4K: Go on.  I’m sure that wasn’t your only bad experience tonight.

DB:  Not even close.  All over the bar there were these manly men rocking mustaches.  We never had a chance with the ladies.  I always thought two or three popped collars and some bronzer were what the ladies liked.  I could not have been more wrong.  We got shot down time and time again.  This one super hot chick back by the dart board didn’t even say anything.  She just pointed and my lip and laughed.

M4K: You mentioned the dart board.  Did you at least get to play some darts?

DB: I wish!  We went back to the dart board thinking that at least we could drown our sorrows in our beer and just play darts.  I even had an idea that if I got my beer foam on my upper lip that maybe at the end of the night when it’s dark I could fool a girl into thinking I had a mustache.  But when we got back to the dart board it was all roped up with some velvet rope, like some kind of uber-VIP area.  Turns out, it was a VIP area.  They had roped off the dart boards for the guys with the best mustaches or something.  We didn’t even get to play.  I’m pretty sure that’s why the super hot chick was back there.

M4K: So, you look like you’re headed for the door.  Calling it a night are you?

DB:  Yeah, we know when we’re outclassed.  The longer we stayed the more our popped collars and bare upper lips just became neon signs pointing to our douchebaggery.  We’re going to go home to borrow our moms’ mascara and see if we can draw on some facial hair.

M4K:  Thanks for taking the time to talk.  Now, give me some money for the kids and get out of my sight, you poor excuse for a man.

DB: Here’s 26 bucks.  It’s all I’ve got left.  Just please don’t hurt me.