Interview with a DB

Last week’s Mustache Checkpoint at the Pipeline was a rousing success – for guys with mustaches.  We caught up with an unfortunate chap who just happened to show up at the Pipeline at the same time as about a hundred studly mustached men.  Because the guy was clearly rattled by his experience and his answers might not have been fully coherent, we’ll use some random semi-initials instead of his real name…  let’s call him DB. 

M4K: So, what brings you out to the Pipleline tonight?

DB: Well, we were hoping to drink some beer, maybe play some darts, and then try to pick up some girls.  But…

M4K: Did you realize that tonight at the Pipeline was Mustache Checkpoint?

DB: Dude, I had no idea.  I never would have come here if I’d known when I walked in there would be a hundred dudes with mustaches here.  It just makes me fell, I dunno… less of a man.

M4K: That’s totally understandable.  Not having a mustache actually does make you less of a man.  So, why did you stay?

DB: Well, we figured that no chick is going to be interested in a guy with a mustache, so we thought we’d be able to get any chick in here.  We thought we were so going to get hooked up because we were the only normal guys in here.

M4K: Did the night go as you expected?

DB: No.  Dude, can I go now?  I mean I’m feeling enough like a failure, why do I have to keep talking to you?

M4K: Look at my mustache.  It gives me authority, don’t you think?  When a guy with a mustache tells you to do something, you have no choice but to say “Yes, Sir!”  Now quit whining and answer my question.  Did the night go as you expected?

DB: Yes sir!  No, it went horrible.  When we first walked in there was this table full of cute girls, and we thought “Sweet.  There are already more hotties in here than usual.”  But then we noticed that they all had the same shirts on.  Turns out they were all M4K Groupie shirts.  Well, we walked up and asked if they wanted us to buy them some beer, and one of them actually said to me, “Unless you have a sexy cookie duster, get your ugly mug outta my face, Buster.”  Then the whole table laughed and pointed at our bare lips.  I was confused and embarrassed.

M4K: Go on.  I’m sure that wasn’t your only bad experience tonight.

DB:  Not even close.  All over the bar there were these manly men rocking mustaches.  We never had a chance with the ladies.  I always thought two or three popped collars and some bronzer were what the ladies liked.  I could not have been more wrong.  We got shot down time and time again.  This one super hot chick back by the dart board didn’t even say anything.  She just pointed and my lip and laughed.

M4K: You mentioned the dart board.  Did you at least get to play some darts?

DB: I wish!  We went back to the dart board thinking that at least we could drown our sorrows in our beer and just play darts.  I even had an idea that if I got my beer foam on my upper lip that maybe at the end of the night when it’s dark I could fool a girl into thinking I had a mustache.  But when we got back to the dart board it was all roped up with some velvet rope, like some kind of uber-VIP area.  Turns out, it was a VIP area.  They had roped off the dart boards for the guys with the best mustaches or something.  We didn’t even get to play.  I’m pretty sure that’s why the super hot chick was back there.

M4K: So, you look like you’re headed for the door.  Calling it a night are you?

DB:  Yeah, we know when we’re outclassed.  The longer we stayed the more our popped collars and bare upper lips just became neon signs pointing to our douchebaggery.  We’re going to go home to borrow our moms’ mascara and see if we can draw on some facial hair.

M4K:  Thanks for taking the time to talk.  Now, give me some money for the kids and get out of my sight, you poor excuse for a man.

DB: Here’s 26 bucks.  It’s all I’ve got left.  Just please don’t hurt me.

Mustache Musings

Mustache Commitment

Your mustache is a lot like your favorite ball cap, except you can’t ever take it off.  There are very few times in your life that you wouldn’t want to be without that perfect ball cap.  It’s comfy, studly, a little dirty, fits oh so perfectly, and makes you look awesome.  A mustache is a lot like that.  Rocking a stache just makes you feel good.

But there are times when you just can’t wear your favorite hat.  It’s not cool to show up at a job interview wearing one, and you take it off when you sit down at the dinner table with your grandparents.

Now, I would never want to be without my glorious mustache, but I can see how some people would feel a bit uncomfortable in certain circumstances sporting a week old cookie duster.  It’s only natural to be a little self-conscious if after a week your mustache isn’t as fully formed and beautiful as mine was at that time.  But you just can’t take that mustache off.  No matter where you go, there it is.  There is no escaping the mustache.  You have to wear that bad boy every time you go anywhere, be it to a job interview or out with the boys.

Not every event is as mustache appropriate as batting practice, but when you rock a lip sweater you’d better be committed to having a mustache being your first impression every time you make an impression.

Mustache Pondering

The classic “pondering pose” is to sit thoughtfully, gaze vaguely toward the sky, and stroke your chin stubble.  It has long been believed that chin stubble has a direct connection to the brain, and that by rubbing ones chin, one can reach truly profound levels of thought.  Why else would all of the ancient philosophers have had such triumphant beards?

Well, like so many other things, the ancients were on the right track, but didn’t quite have it exactly correct.  I’m here to tell you that stroking your mustache while pondering an issue is the single most effective path to enlightenment.

For example:  Last night I was pondering what to make for dinner.  This is a major issue in my household.  Every night we debate and debate and stare at each other with blank looks trying to decide what to have for dinner.  So, last night I decided to just ask the mustache.  I gave it a stroke and immediately a crystal clear voice in my head said “TAKE OUT CHINEESE”.  

And it was delicious.  I rest my case.

Mustaches and Little Kids

My daughter is opinionated.  She will be three in about three months.  I was under the impression that kids didn’t know everything until they were teenagers.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Well, she doesn’t exactly think she knows everything, I still get the “why” question at least 385,426 times a day.  But she does know what she likes and what she doesn’t like.  And good luck changing her mind once she decides she doesn’t like something.

Syd wasn’t a fan of the mustache.  I can understand. Her daddy had never had any manly facial hair before.  This was new and confusing.  She kept telling me, “You need to shave your whiskers, Daddy.”  I had resigned to the fact that she was just not going to be down with my killer flavor savor.  And then I had an idea…

There is only one time and place where I get my daughter’s undivided attention- when she’s sitting on the potty.  So, yesterday I lifted her up onto the stool I asked her about whether or not she liked my mustache.  She emphatically replied, “No, Daddy.”  And then I played my trump card.  I asked if she wanted to touch my mustache.

Well, she agreed to give it a touch (since she couldn’t exactly run away at the moment).  She got a big grin on her face as she for the first time experienced the joy of fiddling with whiskers.  I asked, “Do you like it now,” to which she responded with a coy, crooked smile and a resounding “Yes!”

I knew she was a bright one.

Oh, and my nine month old son loves the stache.  Never needed to convert him.  That male DNA just kicks right in as he giggles and thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.  Good boy.

Chapped Lips

You know how if you lick your lips too much your lips can get chapped?  Well, let me tell you that if you grow a mustache it is WAY fun to play with that thing with your lower lip and your tongue.  I know I’ve got to look like a huge goober with my tongue sticking out playing with the hair under my nose, but it is just so much damn fun that I can’t help myself.

Needless to say, I’ve got chapped lips.

Seeing Your Stache

So, about a week into growing season I started to notice my mustache.  I could actually see it out of my peripheral vision (is it called peripheral when it is downward?).  You spend your whole life with what is essentially the same look out the front windows in your head.  I guess with time you learn not to see the bridge of your nose you only see your lips if you stick them out and look down.

But once my mustache started to reach impressive lengths I could actually see it all the time, even without sticking out my lips.  I cannot tell you how strange it is to see a brown floating thing hanging out below your nose.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s awesome.  It’s just strange.

Beginnings and Endings

When you grow a mustache you have to decide where your mustache starts and stops when you shave.  This is much harder than it sounds.  Because of my GML I’ve never played with facial hair growth before, so I have no experience in this department.

I have this one whisker that is right on the border of being part of the mustache or not.  He’s kind of on the outside right at the corner of my mouth.  So far, I’ve let him feel included in the stache, but as it gets fuller and longer it is becoming apparent that he’s really an outsider and probably never should have been included in the effort in the first place.

But I just can’t bring myself to cut him down.  He’s worked so hard to be part of the “cool whiskers” club that I just don’t have the heart to tell him he’s out.

Mustaches for Kids

If you have already made a donation and sponsored my mustache, I thank you.  If you haven’t yet donated, my mustache and some kids that need your help are waiting.  Please consider a donation to NCHS today.  And be sure to put my name in the sponsored stache box.  I’m on a mission to reach Tom Selleck status.  

Thanks!

Doping Accusations

Last night’s mustache checkpoint meeting was a rousing success.  We have raised over $6000 for NCHS so far, and much manliness was on display.  Hairless lips were, for the most part, disappearing and becoming replaced with most triumphant flavor savors.

However, I must take umbrage with a few of our lighter-haired and less testosterone-producing brethren.  On more than one occasion last night the sight of my full and magnificent mustache solicited accusations of mustache doping from those unable to grow such glory in a mere week.

Doping (the use of Rogaine, Viagra, Andro, fertility drugs, etc) to artificially inflate one’s testosterone levels is strictly prohibited by the Mustaches 4 Kids bylaws.  For one Mustache Brother to accuse another of such a heinous violation of the spirit of the competition without evidence beyond the rich, full, stache on their lip is truly a display outside the bounds of acceptable play.

Now, I understand that if your blonde and you only have six hairs on your upper lip that your mustache will likely never achieve the full glory of Yanni-style stache beauty.  The last thing any of us want to see is a Spencer Pratt –looking-flesh-colored poor excuse for a cookie brush.  And I can see how jealousy of a dark lip sweater could drive you to frustration levels you’ve never before known.  But, there comes a time to acknowledge the presence of more manly men, bow your head in respect, and bring us beer.

The good news is that with accusations of doping comes the very real possibility of growing the coveted “Sweetest Stache”.  After sizing up the competition last night I think there is only a hand full of us that are in the running.  I think I saw at least three other mustaches that might be contenders.  (And Dude In The Striped Shirt, you’re totally going down.)  I’m feeling good about my chances.

Onward and Upward to Mustache Glory! 

Tomorrow is the 1st Check-in

Tomorrow is the first Mustache Check-In.  All M4K growers will be meeting up at a bar to compare our growth, drink a beer or two, play some trivia, and review our fundraising progress.

I'd like to take a minute to ask you to please consider a contribution to the Nebraska Children's Home Society.  It really is a wonderful charity.  NCHS is  a 116 year old institution helping children and families by providing no-cost adoptions, foster care programs, childcare, and many other wonderful programs.

The real point of growing a mustache is to help out some kids in need. The awesomeness of it all is just an added benefit. Please consider sponsoring my stache. The kids will thank you for it.

Click here to make a donation. And please put my name in the Grower's Name box. Thanks!

It's a Mustachy Kind of Morning

Ah, off to work today with what is clearly the beginnings of a very rockin' cookie brush.

Clearly the co-workers are impressed.  One of the two women in the office (hey, I'm an IT dork working in the procurement department of a construction company)  even made a comment that she could see it starting to come in.  (She's actually been great about it all.  She totally gets it and has spared me what could have been brutal heckling.  Thanks, Steph.)

Feelin the groove.  Doin the bull dance.

The Stache Effect

Today I packed the kids up and took them shopping.  Now, I have an extraordinarily cute two and half year old girl and a ridiculously giggly 8 month old boy.  Guys back me up on this, but if you take a cute kid into public as a guy you get some extra "attention".

Girls, particularly those in the reproductive years between about 25 and 35 and women who are clearly grandparents, will smile at you, talk to you, give you approving looks for being a good father and taking your kids out.  And if you thought having a puppy was a great ice breaker, Fido ain't got nothin' on a baby.  When as a guy you can double-barrel the cute little girl and the baby...  I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

But today, with the stache, things were different. Grandmas were still all about the kiddos, but women of reproductive age acted... differently.  The kids may as well have been invisible.  The women saw nothing but the beginnings of a studly stache.

Now, I'm not going to say that those women that noticed the stache were actually throwing off the "I dig you" vibe.  It was more like a lingering stare, a questioning look, a glance that lasted just a little too long.  Basically, I noticed at least three women roughly my age and roughly in my league staring.  I can best describe the look on their face as "Is that what I think it is?"

So, clearly the stache isn't in enough yet to have it's full effect.  But, hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.  I have no doubt the confusion I witnessed today will be replaced with animal magnetism soon enough.

They guys at M4K told me it would be like this, but nothing really prepares you for the moment when it comes.

Morning #3 - That's What I'm Talkin' About

Woke up today with a good solid three day's worth of growth, and I tell you what, I look damn good.

I'm impressed with how this thing is filling out already.  With a stache this choice, fundraising is going to be a cake walk.

In fact, I think you should consider making a donation right now.  It's for the kids after all.

Morning #2

Well, I’ve made it through my first day of stache growth.  


Since I shaved last night at the bar, I really didn’t have much beyond the typical GML going on.  No strange looks, no comments…


It doesn’t change the fact that I can feel the power of the mustache starting to take effect.  My confidence grows as I anticipate the lip sweater I am about to sprout.

So It Begins

Today is the first day I haven't shaved my upper lip in a good long time.  My GML dictates that almost every day I at least mow the lawn with the old electric even if I don't bust out the razor.

I tell you what, it feels damn good.  Liberating I tell you.  I should have done this years ago.

Shave Night

My journey to awesomeness began today.


Tonight, the men from Mustaches 4 Kids descended on the 94/95 Sports Bar to shave for the last time in a month, get our hairless mug shots taken, and begin the process of becoming stunning.

I started recruiting other “growers” as soon as I heard about M4K.  After making my first round of phone calls I had four other guys fired up and ready to go.  Slowly but surely all but one chickened out. 


The first, we’ll call him Mark to protect his identity, claimed he had a conference to go to in June and was afraid of going with a stache.    What a fool.  If there was ever a great way to make friends and influence people, it is by having a mustache.  And what better venue could there be than a conference to show off your studliness and use it to scratch up some new business.  I mean, who can resist buying something from a guy with a killer stache?  And don’t even get me started about meeting girls at a conference with a stache…. Idiot.


The second, Nate will be his pseudonym, claimed he had never actually agreed to grow.  I call shenanigans.  We all know what really happened.  His wife laid down the law and threatened to cut him off if he grew a rockin’ stache.  I’m sure she told him it was because she didn’t like them, but like all women she didn’t want her man growing a stache because it will make him irresistible to the opposite sex, and she was just afraid of the competition.  Well, Nate wasn’t bright enough to see through her ruse, so he ejected as well.


Lastly, Eric (he gets no naming protection because his excuse is weakest) begged out because he is just too fat and lazy to actually try raising some money to help out some kids.  Pathetic.  He is so coughing up some serious cash to sponsor my stache.


But one stood tall.  Casey stepped up, was a man, and said he had the cojones to grow.  So, together we went to the bar, lined up to shave…  oh wait… bought a beer, lined up to shave, befouled our lips by removing any last vestige of  upper lip hair, got our… wait… bought another beer… got our clean shave pictures taken, and got another beer into which we promptly cried.

After enjoying time among such manly men, we decided it was time to go heckle the non-growers a bit, so we ventured to a buddy’s bar to meet Nate.  We mercilessly taunted his unwillingness to be awesome and in an attempt to make us forget is weakness, he bought us a beer.  But before the night was over Nate’s lack of testosterone kicked in and he went home leaving Casey and I to seek another place to flex our mustache might.


So, karaoke it was.  We busted out with a rousing duet of If I Had a Million Dollars with lyrics improvised to extol the virtues of the mustache.    We were a huge success, and even with hairless lips our talk of mustaches made us the toast of the room. 


Growing a mustache is going to rock.