Mustache Musings

Mustache Commitment

Your mustache is a lot like your favorite ball cap, except you can’t ever take it off.  There are very few times in your life that you wouldn’t want to be without that perfect ball cap.  It’s comfy, studly, a little dirty, fits oh so perfectly, and makes you look awesome.  A mustache is a lot like that.  Rocking a stache just makes you feel good.

But there are times when you just can’t wear your favorite hat.  It’s not cool to show up at a job interview wearing one, and you take it off when you sit down at the dinner table with your grandparents.

Now, I would never want to be without my glorious mustache, but I can see how some people would feel a bit uncomfortable in certain circumstances sporting a week old cookie duster.  It’s only natural to be a little self-conscious if after a week your mustache isn’t as fully formed and beautiful as mine was at that time.  But you just can’t take that mustache off.  No matter where you go, there it is.  There is no escaping the mustache.  You have to wear that bad boy every time you go anywhere, be it to a job interview or out with the boys.

Not every event is as mustache appropriate as batting practice, but when you rock a lip sweater you’d better be committed to having a mustache being your first impression every time you make an impression.

Mustache Pondering

The classic “pondering pose” is to sit thoughtfully, gaze vaguely toward the sky, and stroke your chin stubble.  It has long been believed that chin stubble has a direct connection to the brain, and that by rubbing ones chin, one can reach truly profound levels of thought.  Why else would all of the ancient philosophers have had such triumphant beards?

Well, like so many other things, the ancients were on the right track, but didn’t quite have it exactly correct.  I’m here to tell you that stroking your mustache while pondering an issue is the single most effective path to enlightenment.

For example:  Last night I was pondering what to make for dinner.  This is a major issue in my household.  Every night we debate and debate and stare at each other with blank looks trying to decide what to have for dinner.  So, last night I decided to just ask the mustache.  I gave it a stroke and immediately a crystal clear voice in my head said “TAKE OUT CHINEESE”.  

And it was delicious.  I rest my case.

Mustaches and Little Kids

My daughter is opinionated.  She will be three in about three months.  I was under the impression that kids didn’t know everything until they were teenagers.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Well, she doesn’t exactly think she knows everything, I still get the “why” question at least 385,426 times a day.  But she does know what she likes and what she doesn’t like.  And good luck changing her mind once she decides she doesn’t like something.

Syd wasn’t a fan of the mustache.  I can understand. Her daddy had never had any manly facial hair before.  This was new and confusing.  She kept telling me, “You need to shave your whiskers, Daddy.”  I had resigned to the fact that she was just not going to be down with my killer flavor savor.  And then I had an idea…

There is only one time and place where I get my daughter’s undivided attention- when she’s sitting on the potty.  So, yesterday I lifted her up onto the stool I asked her about whether or not she liked my mustache.  She emphatically replied, “No, Daddy.”  And then I played my trump card.  I asked if she wanted to touch my mustache.

Well, she agreed to give it a touch (since she couldn’t exactly run away at the moment).  She got a big grin on her face as she for the first time experienced the joy of fiddling with whiskers.  I asked, “Do you like it now,” to which she responded with a coy, crooked smile and a resounding “Yes!”

I knew she was a bright one.

Oh, and my nine month old son loves the stache.  Never needed to convert him.  That male DNA just kicks right in as he giggles and thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.  Good boy.

Chapped Lips

You know how if you lick your lips too much your lips can get chapped?  Well, let me tell you that if you grow a mustache it is WAY fun to play with that thing with your lower lip and your tongue.  I know I’ve got to look like a huge goober with my tongue sticking out playing with the hair under my nose, but it is just so much damn fun that I can’t help myself.

Needless to say, I’ve got chapped lips.

Seeing Your Stache

So, about a week into growing season I started to notice my mustache.  I could actually see it out of my peripheral vision (is it called peripheral when it is downward?).  You spend your whole life with what is essentially the same look out the front windows in your head.  I guess with time you learn not to see the bridge of your nose you only see your lips if you stick them out and look down.

But once my mustache started to reach impressive lengths I could actually see it all the time, even without sticking out my lips.  I cannot tell you how strange it is to see a brown floating thing hanging out below your nose.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s awesome.  It’s just strange.

Beginnings and Endings

When you grow a mustache you have to decide where your mustache starts and stops when you shave.  This is much harder than it sounds.  Because of my GML I’ve never played with facial hair growth before, so I have no experience in this department.

I have this one whisker that is right on the border of being part of the mustache or not.  He’s kind of on the outside right at the corner of my mouth.  So far, I’ve let him feel included in the stache, but as it gets fuller and longer it is becoming apparent that he’s really an outsider and probably never should have been included in the effort in the first place.

But I just can’t bring myself to cut him down.  He’s worked so hard to be part of the “cool whiskers” club that I just don’t have the heart to tell him he’s out.

Mustaches for Kids

If you have already made a donation and sponsored my mustache, I thank you.  If you haven’t yet donated, my mustache and some kids that need your help are waiting.  Please consider a donation to NCHS today.  And be sure to put my name in the sponsored stache box.  I’m on a mission to reach Tom Selleck status.  

Thanks!